Come back

It has been two years now. I'm back! Ha-ha. Have you ever felt like the world is against you? I'm feeling it right now. I've lost my ways and somehow whatever I do seems to fail. I hate failing. I have weaknesses. People do not really understand me, and they do not know what I feel inside. I used to tell people what i feel inside. Guess what? I am no longer that person. My best friend is myself. I trust no one except for myself. Do not get me wrong, I love my friends, but I've heard stuff and I do not think I can ever trust them again. At least not everything I should tell them. Some things are better left unsaid.

It was awhile ago when I thought I am blessed to have a bunch of friends I can count on. Why can't I feel that anymore? I am lost. I wish I could find my way out of this misery. I'm in need of a job, and seriously, I am desperate. I need money and it is suffocating.

Hey life, I know you're a bitch, but please bring me back my confidence. Please make things better as I do not plan on living my life like this. YOLO! I want to live my life to the fullest. I'll write again soon. Hope things will get better though

Dramas

there are so much going on right now. i do not know if i can handle all these to myself. im in a lot of pain. i could not just think about myself. i have to think about everyone which sucks big time. the family is upside down now and im in no control. tried a few approaches, but that did not seem to work out. I need you ya Allah, please make our family normal again. I am truly sorry for whatever i have done that made my life turn out to be this way. please do not let all these happen. 

i guess there are times in life when u have to go through rough patches that no one would understand except for yourself. i am not just having self-crisis but as well as for the people around me. what did i ever do to deserve this? i am just so tired living like this. why cant it get any easier? i tried to be strong and i tried everything to make it changed but i guess it didnt. 

should i say more?

hello again

lama gila tak tulis blog.. kadang2 terasa diri ini hanyut dibawa arus yg entah kemana..

there r times when i wish i could turn back time to undo all my mistakes, and jadi seorang yg betul2 baik. atau mungkin juga lebih dekat kepadaNya.

Zaman sekarang, semua orang kejarkan wang ringgit, semua berkejaran status, dan semua berkejaran ilmu dunia. boleh kira dengan jari berapa orang sangat yang kejarkan dunia akhirat, termasuklah diri saya yang lemah ni.

Saya terlalu mengejarkan kemewahan yang sampai ke hari ini saya tak dapat. Saya ingin dikelilingi kumpulan2 elite tapi saya lupa dimataNya, kami semua sama. Tiada beza sama ada miskin atau kaya, cantik atau buruk, in the end, semuanya akan dihakimi di akhirat kelak.

Siapa yg perlu dipersalahkan? Ibu bapa yang kurang memberi didikan agama atau diri sendiri yg tak tahu diri? Dalam hal2 begini, sebenarnya tak patut nak salahkan sesiapa. Kita patut tahu diri sendiri dan tindakan menuding jari tu adalah sangat tidak baik.

tapi apakan daya, sebagai manusia biasa, saya mengaku saya sering menuding jari dan tidak nampak kesalahan sendiri.

ok lah, jom masuk ke topic lain.. kadang2 bila tengok gambar2 dulu2, rindunya nak kembali ke zaman dulu. tak kira la zaman sekolah rendah mahupun menengah, zaman sebelum masuk Uitm, zaman dah masuk UiTM tapi dengan batch sendiri, sampai la zaman baru2 ni yg telah menyedarkan saya yang saya telah jauh ketinggalan.

Saya tak pernah menyesal dengan apa yg terjadi, sebaliknya saya bersyukur because everything happens for a reason. i may have been bad in studies, but i get to know all the wonderful people all around the country. junior2 yang sangat hormatkan saya walaupun ada setengahnya yg tidak tahu apa perkataan hormat dalam hidup mereka. tapi tak boleh nak salahkan juga kerana mungkin mereka dibesarkan dengan cara begitu.

saya selalu pegang kata2 PAK LIN, "kutiey, tak semua orang yg kita suka, suka kita, and tak semua orang yang kita tak suka, tak suka kita"

dan setiap kali itu lah, bila saya nak mengutuk orang je, saya berfikir sejenak. ada lah jugak kadang2 saya terlepas, biasa la, mulut dah gatal kan?

hhahahhahahahahha... apa lagi bila berada dengan kawan2 yg betul2 satu kepala dengan saya.

ada je nak mengumpat itu lah ini lah.

Oh sebelum terlupa, setelah 8 tahun tak naik flight, baru2 ni saya ke medan bersama keluarga..

well, i had fun but towards the end tu, ade benda yg saya tak suka apabila berlaku..

kakak2 bergaduh dan membuatkan saya caught in the middle. yg sorang tu, rude n provoke, yang sorang tu pulak, calling names (bad name).. dua2 bagi saya salah. dua2 ego plak tu.

entah la, yang saya tak faham, kalau dengan boyfriend, biar la ape pun yg jadi, cepat je cakap sorry, dengan adik beradik yg talian darah takkan terputus ni?? entah lah, saya tak mampu nak cakap apa2 sbb saya ni adik..

anyway, lega skit dapat meluahkan sikit ape yg saya rasa dihati..

ada byk lagi, tapi arini sakit gigi n tak berdaya nak buat apa2..

till then -R.F.Prince

The isolation

i guess being a hero doesnt always stay that way..
rescuing one of the juniors really make me feel like i have done sumthin.. (at least)
3 am, i was suffocating n hell i couldnt breathe. felt like shit though..
dah lama sial tak sakit n i felt like dying for God sake. repent was the only thing on my mind..
*sighs*
went to the loo for about two times. stomach was all empty. threw it all out without leaving anything inside. felt the bitter urgghhh n it hurts so much.
woke up early, continued sleeping. woke up again, slept again, Saring made me eat the panadol n i havent been eating the whole day. Stomach was singing but the throat went nagging doesnt want anything to go thru it.
later that night, they took me to the clinic, it was so packed that we decided to go to hospital Alor Gajah. Pakguard plak tak kasi, stress betul laaaa... went back to the clinic, checked the temperature, and mine was 39.1 degree celcius. Doctor Sapura said that i should be dripped n no need to worry with the empty stomach because the water consists of sugar n vitamin n bla bla bla. that was my first time doing it, so i took my palm to cover my mouth. the nurse was laughing a bit n started saying things like "its ok, sikit je ni" i was embarassed.. OGD..
few hours later, we were sent to the rumah tamu. Peta and I reached there at 3 sumthin n we slept right away. When i woke up the next morning, i thought its 5 or 6 pm... my batt was flat and obviously i didnt know what time was it.. Damn it was only 10 am!!!!!!!!!!
Mcm bodo je kan. Quite an experience la.. Penat kot lepas tido tido, dulu i have always wanted to be sick not be able to go to class, but to feel the sickness i went thru recently, its better to go to class than stay in the room couldnt do anything. Helpless, Useless... ntah la..
Maybe this is a test from Allah for me to stay grateful. always be grateful for what he has given.
Oh, i was isolated for 16 hours at rumah tamu.. i repeat, ISOLATED... not QUARANTINED...
(according to Dato Mizan) *wink wink*

New dreams unfulfilled...

These are my latest dreams. I wish i can get these as soon as mama strikes the project.
i wish God would help us go through this hard times. Please no more hardship.
I am learning now from what i've learned last time. n it does feel good sumtimes to live in poverty but in the end, u get all the money in the world. That will only make u appreciate money.
Like how u gonna spend them and not just buy things that r necessary. Sharing with others so that u'll get more.
i've planned everything over the last semester break on what im gonna do with the money (if i get, INSYAALLAH)
Am praying hard now, i know it sounds unfair because this is the only time i seek for HIS help, but at least, i think of HIM and ask from one n only LORD i trust.
Hopefully fortune awaits me..

not just M.J, but also to F.H and A.H

on the right standing is abg hafiz....

baru2 ni aku start la pindah rumah, barang2 sgt la byk... altogether, ada la dalam 9 tan barang2 kitorg..
bayang la, first day pakai lorry 2 tan, tu dah buat 2 trip, so dah 4 tan, then dah maghrib, yg heran nye tempat tinggal baru aku tu, tak blh angkut barang after 6 pm, aku pon tak fhm kenapa.
so terpaksa ditangguh. the next day, ahad pon tak blh pindah, so kitorg lepak je kat rumah n went to hillpark as well, amik barang2 yg mana muat utk dlm kereta. penat weyh, aku smpai takde time nak lepak ngan bestfriends aku yg baru balik from aussie, rasanya kali ni paling sikit aku lepak ngan diorg.. *sighs* sorry guys! monday, 29th of June, we were told that abg hafiz just passed away. masa aku ikut zz balik kuantan, sempat la jumpa dia, tu pon dia dh tenat. he couldnt speak but he asked me
"tak skolah ke?"
aku mcm terharu sbb dia still ingat aku. sbb according to my grandma, dia dah tak kenal org, n whenever my grandma ckp ngan dia pon, he'll push my grandma n cakap,
"sape awok?"
well.. kesian tok mi, when i came the other day, she was crying. fyi, abg hafiz sakit sbb last time, he used to take drugs.. didnt blame him because everyone makes a mistake. ok, few years back, abg faiz (abg hafiz's elder brother) passed away too. same case, drugs..
bodoh punye dadah.. then kitorg pon bertolak la balik kuantan isnin pagi tu, unfortunately, kitorang tak sempat tgk dia for the last time. the minute we arrived, my grandma told us that dia dah selamat dikebumikan. takpe lah, janji selamat, n senang pengurusan jenazah dia, alhamdulillah takde sebarang kesulitan. Kitorang pon masuk bilik dia, n looked around. Semua jadi sebak n sayu je sbb, dlm bilik dia, penuh dengan gmbar2 kitorang. Tribute to everyone who was once important to him including my mom n my siblings. Abg hafiz dulu pernah jadi adik beradik kitorang because my mom pernah jaga dia dr baby smpai la umur 4 tahun kot.. n sebelum dia meninggal, dia bgtau tok mi
"kesian mama gee nak pindah, atek takde pon nak tolong.. atek sayang sangat kat mama gee"
mak aku terus menangis tak tahan sebak didada.. hurm.. dah settle semua including tahlil, kitorg pon balik k.L sbb the next day tu nak pindah2 barang jugak. Mmg penat tak pyah cakap la kan.
i was driving 30 km je, pastu suruh kak long drive the rest. kesian kak long pon ngantuk.
then few days later, yesterday morning, the father (Uncle Hassan) passed away too. katanya sblm dia pergi, dia peluk jacket abg hafiz n according to the son in law, ade this one night, dia mengigau, saying
"hafiz, tunggu papa, papa nak ikut hafiz"
sedih kan kisah hidup diorg? all men in the family died already...
Sekarang yg tinggal, my auntie, (my mom's eldest sister), kak fara n kak azera...
kesian sangat kat diorg.. dah la my auntie is going through her hard times with her husband.. oh lupa nak ckp, my auntie dah divorced dgn my late uncle tu decades ago...
Al-Fatihah to Faizal Hafiz n Abu Hussan..

Goodbye happiness.. Hello sadness

A tough year for me.
We have to move out from the house by the end of this month.
*Sighs* i just hate the owner n i wish i could kill those two stuck up animals.
Well, where do we stay? What kind of place would we live in?
I cannot imagine a life out of this area, Im just so used to this area n I love this house.
This is obviously a test from God but its too heavy for me n my family.
How long do we have to go through this? I thought this year would be our year since we've been living this kind of life since few years back. But everything is just the same. well, to add the injury, it is indeed getting worst. No improvement, no nada!
Sometimes i wonder if this is the life that im gonna have to go thru till the end of my last breath.
I'm so tired n I'm starting to give up in life at such a young age.
Complaining is not the way to solve things i know, but i just need a place to tell just about how i feel right now.
.Pray for me.